I feel as though I am being misunderstood to an unbelievable degree. The conflict feels entirely one-sided. From my perspective, I seem to be held in deep personal resentment by people I don’t even recognize—to the point where I wonder, “Who are you?” It is at a level where I can only assume it’s a case of mistaken identity or someone framing me for something I didn’t do.
I feel like this happens all too often, or is it just my imagination? Is someone using my name without permission, borrowing it, or throwing it around? My social circle is incredibly small, and I have almost no one I would call a close friend. If someone claims to be my friend, you can assume they are lying 99.9% of the time. Such a person does not exist. It is a fabrication.
There are a few people I have been somewhat close with, but even then, it’s debatable whether any of them could be called a friend. A “best friend” is out of the question. This isn’t just my opinion; they would likely feel the same way. I have a habit of distancing myself as soon as I feel a sense of intimacy because it makes me mentally unstable. The reason remains unknown.
This habit has persisted since childhood, and it’s not because I’m hiding something. I’ve had counselors suggest that, but I believe the reason isn’t something so superficial. I have my own theories, but I don’t know for certain.
Distancing myself when I feel intimacy means pushing the other person away. I understand why they might feel rejected. I can see why I might be disliked or even resented. And it’s entirely possible that someone who dislikes me would exaggerate or twist stories when talking about me.
On the other hand, I have rarely regretted pushing people away to avoid intimacy. In most cases, I still believe it was the right choice. This isn’t because the other person was “bad.” It was about looking ahead. Given my current situation, it’s clear that if I had deepened those connections, they would have ended up suffering some kind of harm.
However, I do feel there were many ways I could have handled this more consciously and skillfully. I cannot deny that my approach was half-hearted. Perhaps it was my own “misdelivery” of intent.
