Ever since I discovered her livestreams, my life had felt like the wildest roller coaster ride imaginable. Eventually, I reached my breaking point and decided to seek professional counseling.
“One moment she hints at being interested in me, and the next, she treats me like I don’t even exist. It’s a constant cycle,” I began, the words pouring out of me. “At first, she read my comments quite often. Then, the next day, complete silence. On other days, she’d post on social media at the exact same time I did. It feels like she’s playing with me.”
“What exactly is your relationship with her?” the counselor asked.
“Just a streamer and a fan. Nothing more, nothing less. And yet, for some reason, I’m the only one she treats so dismissively. At a fan meetup, she happily accepted my bouquet and even offered to take a photo together, but when I try to talk to her, she ignores me.”
“Did you ask her why?”
“I did—subtly, but directly. I asked, ‘Do you dislike me?’ She just responded with, ‘Did something happen?’ I wanted to say, ‘Are you serious?’ but I couldn’t push it any further in that moment.”
“Well, they say a woman’s heart is as fickle as the autumn sky. But clearly, you found it unbearable.”
“It’s not that I’m desperate for her to like me or terrified of her hating me. I just can’t stand how her attitude shifts 180 degrees from day to day. Why am I the only one receiving this treatment? I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I haven’t pursued her obsessively. I sent one letter, but it was strictly as a fan.”
“I see. However, that might be exactly where the cause lies,” the counselor noted. “What kind of letter did you send?”
“What?” I blinked, taken aback.
“She was likely struggling to gauge the proper distance with you. She is a popular streamer, I assume?”
“Yes, but it wasn’t some passionate love letter. I just wrote that her streams encourage me, that I like her work, and that I’ll keep supporting her. That’s all.”
The counselor let out a long, deep sigh.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I’ll give you some honest advice: do not try to close the distance with her. Ideally, you should stop watching her altogether, but at the very least, you need to step back much further.”
“I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?” I protested.
“That is exactly the point. Based on what you’ve told me, as long as you cannot perceive the cause yourself, your best option is to walk away. If you won’t do that, you must maintain a significant distance.”
“So, she does hate me,” I sighed.
“For your own sake, it might be less painful to believe that. This isn’t about who is ‘bad’ or ‘worse.’ It’s about reflecting—from her perspective—on why she struggled to find the right distance with you and why she eventually began to avoid you.”
I felt a sense of despair. Seeing my reaction, the counselor looked less sympathetic and more somewhat exasperated.
“Let’s end here for today. On a day like this, you should eat something delicious, take a hot bath to clear your head, and get some sleep.”
I thanked him and left the room with my head down. Curiously, my heart felt calm. At the very least, I felt as though I had finally stepped off the roller coaster.
A few days later, I visited the counselor again, armed with a new grievance.
“A friend told me that I have too much of a ‘victim mentality’—that I’m being one-sided. But from my perspective, she is the one being one-sided, changing her attitude constantly without explanation. Victim mentality? Me? I’m not even talking about things in terms of ‘harm’ or ‘damage.’ Yet, that’s how some people see it. Why does it look that way?” I started again, the words rushing out.
“So, it bothers you to be told you have a victim mentality.”
“Yes.”
“It is likely because you are very sensitive. You notice and feel hurt by things others might overlook. When you express that you’ve been hurt, the other person feels a sense of ‘perpetrator guilt’—the feeling that they’ve caused harm unintentionally. Many people find that feeling intolerable, so they label you as someone with a victim mentality to protect themselves.”
“So… is it my fault?”
“That is a complex question. First, let me ask: what do you want?”
“What do I want?”
“To address this, we first need to look at your own stance. Regardless of this streamer, what kind of relationships do you want to build with others?”
“Well, I want to have good relationships, in whatever form they take.”
“And what do you think is necessary to build a good relationship?”
“I suppose… trying to see things from the other person’s perspective? But…”
“Is something on your mind?”
“What does it actually mean to ‘see things from their perspective’?”
“Thinking from someone else’s perspective doesn’t mean literally standing in their shoes. It means trying to turn your consciousness outward, toward them, rather than inward. For someone as sensitive as you, this can be difficult. When you try to focus on the other person, your internal world becomes crowded, and your attention inevitably slips back to yourself. Does that sound familiar?”
“Yes… it does.”
“I thought so. But acknowledging this is a vital first step. You are already trying to face the problem. Many people never get this far and simply continue to suffer.”
“But isn’t the real problem what comes next? What should I do?”
“You’re asking how to turn your consciousness outward when it naturally pulls inward.”
“Exactly.”
“Why does it turn inward? And what is the usual result?”
“I usually end up getting hurt. Or I try to avoid being hurt.”
“And why is that?”
“Perhaps because I’m a perfectionist. I want to avoid any kind of failure.”
“So your focus shifts entirely to avoiding pain.”
“Yes. Oh…”
“What is it?”
“Are you saying that my words and actions—the things I do to keep from being hurt—are perceived by others as an attempt to force a sense of guilt onto them?”
“If that’s the case, some people might certainly interpret it that way. My suggestion is this: instead of focusing on whether or not you get hurt, try focusing on what you want to cherish in that moment.”
“Does that mean cherishing the other person more than myself? Or cherishing the ‘space’ between us more than the individual?”
“There is no single right answer. However, I believe that searching—and continuing to search—for that answer is the most important perspective to have in human relationships. Let’s leave it at that for today.”
I thanked him and left the room. This time, I didn’t look down. For now, that was enough. Or at least, I decided to believe it was.
